salmon

one day i am going to make a decision

that i will regret.

i will want to 'end my life'

but i will be scared to do it.

i will eat a lot of fucking fish

and i will not get mercury poisoning.

i will be healther than usual.

chess hurts

i was telling this girl

that i won the tornament

in chess club at school

i felt proud.

she gave me a

playful punch

and it hurt.

i took it like a man

externally

but

i felt inferior.

pew pew pew

pew pew pew. i have an imaginary ray gun.

kitchen

a short video i made in the kitchen

the paranoid male public bathroom experience

i stood up and walked to the bathroom
and used the toilet paper as tissue
i felt a little nervous and confused
but the two ply felt comfy on my nose
unlike the ones in school
where you have to keep pulling and pulling
until you have enough toilet paper in your hand
to wipe your ass or your nose
and then wash your hands
and because the electric hand dryer is broken
you go and get more one ply toilet paper
to dry your hands
and then even more
so you can open the door
without touching the doorknob
because many people dont wash their hands
and you dont want to touch the germs
that are on their genitals
but if you are in a restroom
standing there with wet hands
panicking because there is
nothing to dry your hands
wipe them on your jeans
where your ankles are
because no one really looks there
unless their head is fixed
at a downward angle
and when you need to open the door
you can wait awkwardly
until someone opens it for you
or you can attempt to open it
with your feet
but you look around you
before you do things like that
but once you get the door open
you feel proud of yourself
and wonder how many people
open doors with their feet
to avoid touching doorknobs
and this poem applies
to public restrooms and doors in general

music

This is the stuff I've been listening to a lot recently:

Lost in the Trees - strings. guitar. beautiful.

Bon Iver - emotional. folk. voice.

Ingrid Michaelson - infectious. melodious. singing.

Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton - sexy. voice. piano.

Ólafur Arnalds - piano. strings. emotional.

i need to talk.

this distance

silence

silenced

silence

fade

i'm quiet.

i'm really bad at these kinds of things.

more like inexperienced.

f a d e

f    a     d      e

fuck.

i'm gone. nothing. lonely.

why do i do this?

i need to tell her.

i try to talk.

but no.

too many butterflies

smothering me from the inside out.

all i can do now is listen to bon iver.

bon iver

i need to see him and steal his voice

his songs. his feelings.

i want to write something beautiful.

but i can't.

break

so it's the last day of a week long break from school. what did I do?

I watched 13 movies. so here they are in the order of which I watched them:

Stalag 17 - i came into the movie thinking I would be bored out of my mind. but surprisingly it was effing hilarious. there's a reason why it's on the IMDb top 250.

Ping Pong - this was hilarious, love the super awesome ping pong scenes.

Breakfast at Tiffany's - I have to thank my dear friend Karimi for lending me this. this was exceptionally good and Audrey Hepburn is so frickn' beautiful. I wish I knew someone like Holly.

The Fall - Really really pretty movie, all the scenes looked amazing. The little girl that played Alexandria is so cute. Story could have been better though.

Boondock Saints - HOLY FUCK THIS WAS AWESOME. Love the shooting scenes and Willem Dafoe is just crazy in it. ugh.

Charlie Bartlett - hm, this was pretty good, Robert Downey Jr is just awesome. Loved Kat Dennings' rendition of the great Cat Steven's song "If you want to sing out, sing out".

4 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days - whoa, this really opened my eyes about abortions. this was filmed so realistically that it was disturbing. the whole dinner scene kept me thinking 'AHHH QUICKLY GO TO THE HOTEL'. really good movie

Wristcutters: A Love Story - this was alright. quite funny at times but not memorable.

The Air I Breathe - Ok movie, didn't wow me. Good stuff from a first time director though.

Boy A - Slow as hell, didnt really like this. the idea behind the movie was good but not executed too well for me. the only thing that was good was the cinematography.

The Science of Sleep - this was pretty good, it was hilarious and sweet. loved all the dream scenes.

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters - I don't really watch documentaries but I just had to watch this one. this was really really good. I learned many things about arcade gaming.

The Sea Inside - this was really great. this really gets you to think about the value of life. watching Javier Bardem in a completely different role from his most famous role as Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men seemed kinda awkward at first, but then he quickly grew into the role. this was the only movie on this list that made me cry. WATCH THIS.

hmm, I watched only one Asian film. burr. should have watched more.

oh. just realized I'm not watching the Academys. I'm recording it, might watch it later along with the Film Independent Spirits Awards which was yesterday. Or I might never watch them... the only Academy nominated films I saw are The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire, and Wall E. All amazing movies. But why was not Let the Right One In nominated for a best foreign film?! IT WAS AMAZING!!! grrrr

so yeah. that's it. i'm typing this with sticky fingers that smell of oranges and all-purpose soap; listening to the Harold and Maude (watch this too) soundtrack which I've been listening to a lot this week. Cat Stevens is awesome. and I still have homework.... gah I thought I escaped the wrath of the Vocabulary Workshop books in high school, but it has come to plague me in senior year. argh.

there are puddles everywhere outside. everything's wet and muddy. the snow is melting. yay/ew.

anyways, i got my first acceptance letter from a college on friday. it was from Rutgers. I didn't get that OMG I WAS ACCEPTED YAYYYYYYYY feeling. dunno why.
so I have 3 more colleges left to hear from. I dunno which one I will choose. they all have their pros.
Rutgers - many of my friends already attend there
SUNY Purchase - geared towards the arts and closest to the city
TCNJ - #6 on the Princeton Review's '10 Colleges with the Happiest Students' :D
SUNY Binghamton - probably the hardest school to get into for me
all are state universities, so yeah.

anyways, i'm writing this in the library, where I'm working. libraries are awesome. people should go there more often. the only people i see that come here are mothers and old white people. burr.