i need to talk.

this distance

silence

silenced

silence

fade

i'm quiet.

i'm really bad at these kinds of things.

more like inexperienced.

f a d e

f    a     d      e

fuck.

i'm gone. nothing. lonely.

why do i do this?

i need to tell her.

i try to talk.

but no.

too many butterflies

smothering me from the inside out.

all i can do now is listen to bon iver.

bon iver

i need to see him and steal his voice

his songs. his feelings.

i want to write something beautiful.

but i can't.

break

so it's the last day of a week long break from school. what did I do?

I watched 13 movies. so here they are in the order of which I watched them:

Stalag 17 - i came into the movie thinking I would be bored out of my mind. but surprisingly it was effing hilarious. there's a reason why it's on the IMDb top 250.

Ping Pong - this was hilarious, love the super awesome ping pong scenes.

Breakfast at Tiffany's - I have to thank my dear friend Karimi for lending me this. this was exceptionally good and Audrey Hepburn is so frickn' beautiful. I wish I knew someone like Holly.

The Fall - Really really pretty movie, all the scenes looked amazing. The little girl that played Alexandria is so cute. Story could have been better though.

Boondock Saints - HOLY FUCK THIS WAS AWESOME. Love the shooting scenes and Willem Dafoe is just crazy in it. ugh.

Charlie Bartlett - hm, this was pretty good, Robert Downey Jr is just awesome. Loved Kat Dennings' rendition of the great Cat Steven's song "If you want to sing out, sing out".

4 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days - whoa, this really opened my eyes about abortions. this was filmed so realistically that it was disturbing. the whole dinner scene kept me thinking 'AHHH QUICKLY GO TO THE HOTEL'. really good movie

Wristcutters: A Love Story - this was alright. quite funny at times but not memorable.

The Air I Breathe - Ok movie, didn't wow me. Good stuff from a first time director though.

Boy A - Slow as hell, didnt really like this. the idea behind the movie was good but not executed too well for me. the only thing that was good was the cinematography.

The Science of Sleep - this was pretty good, it was hilarious and sweet. loved all the dream scenes.

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters - I don't really watch documentaries but I just had to watch this one. this was really really good. I learned many things about arcade gaming.

The Sea Inside - this was really great. this really gets you to think about the value of life. watching Javier Bardem in a completely different role from his most famous role as Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men seemed kinda awkward at first, but then he quickly grew into the role. this was the only movie on this list that made me cry. WATCH THIS.

hmm, I watched only one Asian film. burr. should have watched more.

oh. just realized I'm not watching the Academys. I'm recording it, might watch it later along with the Film Independent Spirits Awards which was yesterday. Or I might never watch them... the only Academy nominated films I saw are The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire, and Wall E. All amazing movies. But why was not Let the Right One In nominated for a best foreign film?! IT WAS AMAZING!!! grrrr

so yeah. that's it. i'm typing this with sticky fingers that smell of oranges and all-purpose soap; listening to the Harold and Maude (watch this too) soundtrack which I've been listening to a lot this week. Cat Stevens is awesome. and I still have homework.... gah I thought I escaped the wrath of the Vocabulary Workshop books in high school, but it has come to plague me in senior year. argh.

there are puddles everywhere outside. everything's wet and muddy. the snow is melting. yay/ew.

anyways, i got my first acceptance letter from a college on friday. it was from Rutgers. I didn't get that OMG I WAS ACCEPTED YAYYYYYYYY feeling. dunno why.
so I have 3 more colleges left to hear from. I dunno which one I will choose. they all have their pros.
Rutgers - many of my friends already attend there
SUNY Purchase - geared towards the arts and closest to the city
TCNJ - #6 on the Princeton Review's '10 Colleges with the Happiest Students' :D
SUNY Binghamton - probably the hardest school to get into for me
all are state universities, so yeah.

anyways, i'm writing this in the library, where I'm working. libraries are awesome. people should go there more often. the only people i see that come here are mothers and old white people. burr.

nabokov

I recall certain moments, let us call them icebergs in paradise, when after having had my fill of her –after fabulous, insane exertions that left me limp and azure-barred–I would gather her in my arms with, at last, a mute moan of human tenderness (her skin glistening in the neon light coming from the paved court through the slits in the blind, her soot-black lashes matted, her grave gray eyes more vacant than ever–for all the world a little patient still in the confusion of a drug after a major operation)–and the tenderness would deepen to shame and despair, and I would lull and rock my lone light Lolita in my marble arms, and moan in her warm hair, and caress her at random and mutely ask her blessing, and at the peak of this human agonized selfless tenderness (with my soul actually hanging around her naked body and ready to repent), all at once, ironically, horribly, lust would swell again–and 'oh, no,' Lolita would say with a sigh to heaven, and the next moment the tenderness and the azure–all would be shattered.

- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita.

I finished reading Lolita two weeks ago and this passage is still in my head.

emmy.

Lovely.

french

french is way too fucking hard.
so many tenses to memorize. so many endings. presentpassecomposeimparfaitconditionelfuturplusqueparfaitfuturanterierconditi
onelpassesubjonctifandmanymore.

and why do words have to have a sex?
car is feminine, bed is masculine, music is feminine, kitten is masculine.

quoi. je m'en fous.

i hate irregular verbs.

je t'aime is an awesome phrase though.

nymeet.

Just chillin in some bubble tea shop.

star wars.

I had a weird dream last night. I was being tortured by people because I haven't watched the old Star Wars movies yet. Chewbacca was there. I'm guessing it's a sign that I should watch them soon. But I want to watch them all on the same day in a row, which might be a problem.

And it snowed again. Dunno if I should be glad.

triple haiku: moosik

he stared at the crowd.

nervous, the first chord was struck.

and so it began.

everyone was wrapped

in the blanket of music

enjoying the life.

the last chord echoed.

shouts of encore had faded

and so it ended.