BOO!

2010-09-12T14:08:00.002-04:00

my heart, it hurts.
it's kind of like when a crayon breaks while you're drawing.

Vivre sa vie

2010-06-14T23:57:00.003-04:00

11. Place du Châtelet. A stranger. Nana the unwitting philosopher.

Nana: Mind if I look? ...You look bored.

The Philosopher: Not at all.

Nana: What are you doing?

The Philosopher: I'm reading.

Nana: Will you buy me a drink?

The Philosopher: If you like.

Nana: Do you come here often?

The Philosopher: Occasionally. I happened by.

Nana: Why are you reading?

The Philosopher: It's my job.

Nana: It's odd... Suddenly I don't know what to say; it often happens to me. I know what I want to say. I think about whether it is what I mean. But when the moment comes to speak, I can't say it.

The Philosopher: Yes, of course. You've read The Three Musketeers?

Nana: No, I saw the film. Why?

The Philosopher: Because in it, Porthos... this is really in Twenty Years Later. Porthos, tall, strong, a little stupid; he's never thought in his life. He has to place a bomb in a cellar to blow it up... He does it. He places the bomb, lights the fuse, then he runs away, of course. But suddenly he begins to think... What about? How it is possible to put one foot before the other? You must have thought about that, too... So he stops running. He can't go on, he can't move forward. The bomb explodes, the cellar falls on him. He holds it up with his shoulders. But after a day, or maybe two, he is crushed to death. The first time he thought, it killed him.

Nana: Why did you tell me that story?

The Philosopher: No reason, just to talk.

Nana: Why must one always talk? Often one shouldn't talk, but live in silence. The more one talks, the less the words mean.

The Philosopher: Perhaps, but can one?

Nana: I don't know.

The Philosopher: I've found that we can't live without talking.

Nana: I'd like to live without talking.

The Philosopher: Yes, it would be nice, wouldn't it?... Like loving one another more, but it isn't possible.

Nana: But why? Words should express just what one wants to say... Do they betray us?

The Philosopher: But we betray them, too. One should be able to express oneself. It has been done in writing. Think: someone like Plato can still be understood - he can. Yet he wrote in Greek, 2,500 years ago. No one really knows the language, at least, not exactly. Yet something gets through, so we should be able to express ourselves. And we must.

Nana: Why must we? To understand each other?

The Philosopher: We must think, and for thought we need words. There's no other way to think. To communicate, one must talk; that is our life.

Nana: Yes, but it is very difficult. I think life should be easy. Your talk of The Three Musketeers may make a good story but it's terrible.

The Philosopher: Yes, but it's a pointer... I believe one learns to talk well only when one has renounced life for a time. That's the price.

Nana: So, to speak is fatal?

The Philosopher: Speaking is almost a resurrection in relation to life. Speech is another life from when one does not speak. So, to live in speech, one must pass through the death of life without speech. I may not be putting it clearly, but there is a kind of ascetic rule that stops one from talking well until one sees life with detachment.

Nana: But one can't live everyday life with... I don't know…

The Philosopher: …With detachment. We balance, that's why we pass from silence to words. We swing between the two because it's the movement of life. From everyday life one rises to a life we call superior.

The thinking life. But this life presupposes one has killed the everyday… too elementary life.

Nana: Then thinking and talking are the same thing?

The Philosopher: So I believe. Plato said so; it's an old idea. One cannot distinguish the thought

from the words that express it. An instant of thought can only be grasped through words.

Nana: So one must talk and risk lying?

The Philosopher: Lies, too, are part of our quest. Errors and lies are very similar. I don't mean ordinary lies like I promise to come tomorrow, but I don't, as I didn't want to. You see, those are ploys. But a subtle lie is little different from an error. One searches and can't find the right word. That's why you didn't know

what to say. You were afraid of not finding the right word. That's the explanation.

Nana: How can one be sure of having found the right word?

The Philosopher: One must work. It needs an effort. One must speak in a way that is right, doesn't hurt. Says what has to be said, does what has to be done, without hurting or bruising.

Nana: Yes, one must try to be in good faith. Someone told me: "There is truth in everything, even in error."

The Philosopher: That's true. France didn't see it in the seventeenth century. They thought one could avoid error and what's more, that one could live directly in the truth. It isn't possible. Hence Kant, Hegel, German philosophy: to bring us back to life and make us see that we must pass through error to arrive at the truth.

Nana: What do you think about love?

The Philosopher: The body had to come into it. Leibnitz introduced the contingent. Contingent truths and necessary truths make up life. German philosophy showed us that in life, one thinks with the servitudes and errors of life. One must manage with that, that's true.

Nana: Shouldn't love be the only truth?

The Philosopher: For that, love would always have to be true. Do you know anyone who knows at once what he loves? No. When you're twenty you don't know. All you know are bits and pieces, you make arbitrary choices. Your "I love" is an impure affair. But to be completely at one with what you love, you need maturity. That means searching. This is the truth of life. That's why love is a solution, on condition that it is true.

- Vivre sa vie - Jean Luc Godard - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056663/

2010-06-07T13:24:00.001-04:00

I should make a new blog post.

Oh god.

2010-03-27T10:25:00.001-04:00

Drawings I did while bored.

2010-01-11T19:59:00.001-05:00

doveglion
by ee cummings

he isn't looking at anything
he isn't looking for something
he isn't looking
he is seeing

what

not something outside himself
not anything inside himself
but himself

himself how

not as some anyone
not as any someone

only as a noone(who is everyone)

top 10 favorite albums of 2009 and others

2009-12-16T03:53:00.006-05:00

so this is the new stuff ive been listening to in 2009.
links link to youtube of songs off the album.

1. sharon van etten - because i was in love
2. slow club - yeah so
3. emmy the great - first love
4. god help the girl - god help the girl
5. metric - fantasies
6. tiny vipers - life on earth
7. passion pit - manners
8. blue roses - blue roses
9. the woodlands - the woodlands
10. regina spektor - far

other notables albums including eps:

mountain man - mountain man
laura gibson - beasts of seasons
dirty projectors - bitte orca
chris garneau - el radio
thao with the get down stay down - know better learn faster
timber timbre - timber timbre
animal collective - merriweather post pavilion
the little hands of asphalt - leap years
volcano choir - unmap
bishop allen - grrr...
the bird and the bee - ray guns are not just the future
mirah - (a)spera
the xx - xx
fanfarlo - reservoir
florence and the machine - lungs
elizabeth & the catapult - taller children
devendra banhart - what will we be
the decemberists - hazards of love
maia hirasawa - gbgvssthlm
wilco - wilco
discovery - lp
paniyolo - i'm home
snuffaluffagus - animals
bowerbirds - upper air
ah holly fam'ly - reservoir
the mummers - tale to tell
muse - the resistance
bon iver - blood bank ep
marina and the diamonds - the crown jewels ep

LISTEN

2009-11-28T16:32:00.004-05:00

mmmmmmmmmm

2009-11-08T17:03:00.002-05:00

Found on far-off pathways:
Sprigs of roses. With stems in hand,
Unsure of how to hold them,
I want to meet you.

As with pale orphaned
children I look for you,--
And to my poor roses
You would be a mother.

[Rainer Maria Rilke]

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

2009-11-05T07:04:00.004-05:00

Grief surges over me. His face not two feet from mine, my son Theophile sits patiently waiting—and I, his father, have lost the simple right to ruffle his bristly hair, clasp his downy neck, hug his small, lithe, warm body tight against me. There are no words to describe it. My condition is monstrous, iniquitous, revolting, horrible. Suddenly I can take no more. Tears well and my throat emits a hoarse rattle that startles Theophile. Don’t be scared, little man. I love you.

[Jean-Dominique Bauby]

<3

2009-10-24T02:46:00.001-04:00

2009-09-20T14:58:00.002-04:00

ive been in college

for a month

it seems pretty cool

i like my floor

ive made some friends

classes are alright

food is ok

nice.

haiku: stalk me and i will give you hugs

2009-08-30T15:11:00.000-04:00

i want you to know

that i have five pairs of blue

polka dot boxers

offshoot

2009-08-10T21:24:00.001-04:00

my poem 'you smell nice' was published in the first issue of Offshoot Magazine.

editor forgot me in the table of contents though. :/ i'm on page 32.

http://issuu.com/offshoot/docs/issue1

a poem

2009-08-06T12:03:00.002-04:00

someone.

throw a deus ex machina into my life.

or be my deus ex machina.

i would too fucking happy and grateful.

i won

2009-08-04T14:58:00.000-04:00

i won a poem contest. ^_^

http://brianallencarr.com/?page_id=68

http://secondarysound.blogspot.com/2009/07/mlkng-sckls-contest-2-winner.html

toronto jam

2009-07-18T18:33:00.002-04:00

some vid i'm in.

my answer to almost every question

2009-07-15T00:19:00.000-04:00

i dont know.

summer

2009-07-07T22:35:00.003-04:00

I already know that this will be one of my favorite movies ever.

this is not my future, it is his

2009-07-02T01:40:00.001-04:00

i want to take a 'lethal dose' of 'polonium 210'

and be immune to it.

i would have dodged a 'slow and inevitable death'.

that would be 'pretty cool'.

scientists would want to do tests of me.

but i would not give in.

the scientists would say 'if you let us do tests on you,

you would help advance society and everyone

would be immune to poisonous things. plus,

we will give you lots of money.'

i would say 'no, i dont want your money.

the only way i would let you do tests on me

is if you figure out a way to make my nails stop growing

because i don't like cutting them. it is such a hassle.

i also dont like it when people cut my nails for me

because i have the fear that they will mess up

and cut too deep and cause me great pain.'

runes

2009-06-10T18:34:00.000-04:00

anyways, we got Runes, my school's lit mag printed. it has 50 pages.

if you want to buy one, paypal me $6 or more. i will mail it asap.

you smell nice.

2009-06-09T19:43:00.003-04:00

i am behind you.

crouching.

just pretend im your shadow.

dim my vision

2009-06-04T17:40:00.004-04:00

i should try out some sunglasses soon.

i dont want want to wonder

for the rest of my life

if sunglasses look good on me.

editing

2009-05-30T08:22:00.003-04:00

editing my high school's literary magazine was hard. i sweated. i think i left many mistakes. but it's partially not my fault because there are six other editers. three of them didnt really help though.

copies should be available next week for $6 each. if you go to my school, they will be $4. i will probably have a very limited amount. i will make a pdf of it soon to give for free. the pdf wont have any of the pictures though, because i dont want to take the time to insert them.

anyways, if you want to buy a paper copy of the magazine, leave a comment here so ill know about how many to reserve.

salmon

2009-05-22T00:29:00.003-04:00

one day i am going to make a decision

that i will regret.

i will want to 'end my life'

but i will be scared to do it.

i will eat a lot of fucking fish

and i will not get mercury poisoning.

i will be healther than usual.

chess hurts

2009-05-12T01:24:00.005-04:00

i was telling this girl

that i won the tornament

in chess club at school

i felt proud.

she gave me a

playful punch

and it hurt.

i took it like a man

externally

but

i felt inferior.

pew pew pew

2009-04-23T21:08:00.001-04:00

pew pew pew. i have an imaginary ray gun.

kitchen

2009-04-13T09:12:00.001-04:00

a short video i made in the kitchen

the paranoid male public bathroom experience

2009-04-04T05:26:00.009-04:00

i stood up and walked to the bathroom
and used the toilet paper as tissue
i felt a little nervous and confused
but the two ply felt comfy on my nose
unlike the ones in school
where you have to keep pulling and pulling
until you have enough toilet paper in your hand
to wipe your ass or your nose
and then wash your hands
and because the electric hand dryer is broken
you go and get more one ply toilet paper
to dry your hands
and then even more
so you can open the door
without touching the doorknob
because many people dont wash their hands
and you dont want to touch the germs
that are on their genitals
but if you are in a restroom
standing there with wet hands
panicking because there is
nothing to dry your hands
wipe them on your jeans
where your ankles are
because no one really looks there
unless their head is fixed
at a downward angle
and when you need to open the door
you can wait awkwardly
until someone opens it for you
or you can attempt to open it
with your feet
but you look around you
before you do things like that
but once you get the door open
you feel proud of yourself
and wonder how many people
open doors with their feet
to avoid touching doorknobs
and this poem applies
to public restrooms and doors in general

music

2009-04-01T16:17:00.006-04:00

This is the stuff I've been listening to a lot recently:

Lost in the Trees - strings. guitar. beautiful.

Bon Iver - emotional. folk. voice.

Ingrid Michaelson - infectious. melodious. singing.

Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton - sexy. voice. piano.

Ólafur Arnalds - piano. strings. emotional.

2009-03-31T23:05:00.005-04:00

i need to talk.

this distance

silence

silenced

silence

fade

i'm quiet.

i'm really bad at these kinds of things.

more like inexperienced.

f a d e

fuck.

i'm gone. nothing. lonely.

why do i do this?

i need to tell her.

i try to talk.

but no.

too many butterflies

smothering me from the inside out.

all i can do now is listen to bon iver.

bon iver

i need to see him and steal his voice

his songs. his feelings.

2009-03-26T22:46:00.001-04:00

i want to write something beautiful.

but i can't.

break

2009-02-22T21:44:00.003-05:00

so it's the last day of a week long break from school. what did I do?

I watched 13 movies. so here they are in the order of which I watched them:

Stalag 17 - i came into the movie thinking I would be bored out of my mind. but surprisingly it was effing hilarious. there's a reason why it's on the IMDb top 250.

Ping Pong - this was hilarious, love the super awesome ping pong scenes.

Breakfast at Tiffany's - I have to thank my dear friend Karimi for lending me this. this was exceptionally good and Audrey Hepburn is so frickn' beautiful. I wish I knew someone like Holly.

The Fall - Really really pretty movie, all the scenes looked amazing. The little girl that played Alexandria is so cute. Story could have been better though.

Boondock Saints - HOLY FUCK THIS WAS AWESOME. Love the shooting scenes and Willem Dafoe is just crazy in it. ugh.

Charlie Bartlett - hm, this was pretty good, Robert Downey Jr is just awesome. Loved Kat Dennings' rendition of the great Cat Steven's song "If you want to sing out, sing out".

4 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days - whoa, this really opened my eyes about abortions. this was filmed so realistically that it was disturbing. the whole dinner scene kept me thinking 'AHHH QUICKLY GO TO THE HOTEL'. really good movie

Wristcutters: A Love Story - this was alright. quite funny at times but not memorable.

The Air I Breathe - Ok movie, didn't wow me. Good stuff from a first time director though.

Boy A - Slow as hell, didnt really like this. the idea behind the movie was good but not executed too well for me. the only thing that was good was the cinematography.

The Science of Sleep - this was pretty good, it was hilarious and sweet. loved all the dream scenes.

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters - I don't really watch documentaries but I just had to watch this one. this was really really good. I learned many things about arcade gaming.

The Sea Inside - this was really great. this really gets you to think about the value of life. watching Javier Bardem in a completely different role from his most famous role as Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men seemed kinda awkward at first, but then he quickly grew into the role. this was the only movie on this list that made me cry. WATCH THIS.

hmm, I watched only one Asian film. burr. should have watched more.

oh. just realized I'm not watching the Academys. I'm recording it, might watch it later along with the Film Independent Spirits Awards which was yesterday. Or I might never watch them... the only Academy nominated films I saw are The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire, and Wall E. All amazing movies. But why was not Let the Right One In nominated for a best foreign film?! IT WAS AMAZING!!! grrrr

so yeah. that's it. i'm typing this with sticky fingers that smell of oranges and all-purpose soap; listening to the Harold and Maude (watch this too) soundtrack which I've been listening to a lot this week. Cat Stevens is awesome. and I still have homework.... gah I thought I escaped the wrath of the Vocabulary Workshop books in high school, but it has come to plague me in senior year. argh.

2009-02-08T14:36:00.008-05:00

there are puddles everywhere outside. everything's wet and muddy. the snow is melting. yay/ew.

anyways, i got my first acceptance letter from a college on friday. it was from Rutgers. I didn't get that OMG I WAS ACCEPTED YAYYYYYYYY feeling. dunno why.
so I have 3 more colleges left to hear from. I dunno which one I will choose. they all have their pros.
Rutgers - many of my friends already attend there
SUNY Purchase - geared towards the arts and closest to the city
TCNJ - #6 on the Princeton Review's '10 Colleges with the Happiest Students' :D
SUNY Binghamton - probably the hardest school to get into for me
all are state universities, so yeah.

anyways, i'm writing this in the library, where I'm working. libraries are awesome. people should go there more often. the only people i see that come here are mothers and old white people. burr.

nabokov

2009-01-25T23:22:00.006-05:00

I recall certain moments, let us call them icebergs in paradise, when after having had my fill of her –after fabulous, insane exertions that left me limp and azure-barred–I would gather her in my arms with, at last, a mute moan of human tenderness (her skin glistening in the neon light coming from the paved court through the slits in the blind, her soot-black lashes matted, her grave gray eyes more vacant than ever–for all the world a little patient still in the confusion of a drug after a major operation)–and the tenderness would deepen to shame and despair, and I would lull and rock my lone light Lolita in my marble arms, and moan in her warm hair, and caress her at random and mutely ask her blessing, and at the peak of this human agonized selfless tenderness (with my soul actually hanging around her naked body and ready to repent), all at once, ironically, horribly, lust would swell again–and 'oh, no,' Lolita would say with a sigh to heaven, and the next moment the tenderness and the azure–all would be shattered.

- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita.

I finished reading Lolita two weeks ago and this passage is still in my head.

emmy.

2009-01-23T15:56:00.000-05:00

Lovely.

french

2009-01-22T23:51:00.007-05:00

french is way too fucking hard.
so many tenses to memorize. so many endings. presentpassecomposeimparfaitconditionelfuturplusqueparfaitfuturanterierconditi
onelpassesubjonctifandmanymore.

and why do words have to have a sex?
car is feminine, bed is masculine, music is feminine, kitten is masculine.

quoi. je m'en fous.

i hate irregular verbs.

je t'aime is an awesome phrase though.

nymeet.

2009-01-20T19:55:00.003-05:00

Just chillin in some bubble tea shop.

star wars.

2009-01-18T09:31:00.002-05:00

I had a weird dream last night. I was being tortured by people because I haven't watched the old Star Wars movies yet. Chewbacca was there. I'm guessing it's a sign that I should watch them soon. But I want to watch them all on the same day in a row, which might be a problem.

And it snowed again. Dunno if I should be glad.

triple haiku: moosik

2009-01-08T19:55:00.005-05:00

he stared at the crowd.

nervous, the first chord was struck.

and so it began.

everyone was wrapped

in the blanket of music

enjoying the life.

the last chord echoed.

shouts of encore had faded

and so it ended.

haiku: the man.

2009-01-08T19:34:00.001-05:00

echoing click clacks.

the dress shoes resonate as

he strolls through my brain.

haiku: piano.

2009-01-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

the fragile fingers

delicately dancing on

the black and white field.

resolutions.

2009-01-07T19:40:00.017-05:00

record a song.

be more talkative in real life.

read at least 6 of the books on my to-read list.

post at least one piano video on youtube.

watch at least 65% of the films on the IMDb top 250 list.

film and edit a card video.

write many more poems.

watch more movies than him.

talk to her more.

ask her out.

create an internet meme.

develop a better sense of dress.

go to an Okkervil River show.

bah.

new years

2009-01-01T00:10:00.002-05:00

as i walked around outside

the streets deserted. covered with snow.

i heard a YAY at exactly twelve.

then popping. everywhere.

i'm happy that i wore a comfy coat.

new years plan

2008-12-28T23:23:00.001-05:00

at 11:50PM i'm going to take a walk outside and listen to everyone countdown.

happy holidays

2008-12-25T17:10:00.004-05:00

i sit in my house

reading Lo and watching films

yet i am so bored.

tea

2008-12-21T14:11:00.002-05:00

ah. i feel better. drink tea. if you dont have any, come to my house. i have super amazing tea leaves from taiwan that i will brew for you.

four

2008-12-20T15:36:00.003-05:00

I was bored yesterday so I watched four movies:

1. Welcome to the Quiet Room: I loved it. It's about a writer who is put into a psychiatric hospital after an accidental overdose which is mistaken for a suicide attempt. It's quirky and funny but sad at the same time. Why does Japan make such amazing movies?

2. House: My reaction to this film is WTF?!?!? This was a really really strange, cheesy, wtf, weird movie. The only person I recommend this to is Kevin Ho. Why does Japan make such fucked up movies?

3. Buffalo '66: I thank my friend Danielle for recommending this to me. I really liked it! There's this one scene that I love from the movie where one of the characters starts dancing off in the side. I wish I had a moment like that. It's a really funny film and I definitely recommend it.

4. Iron Man: Haha, what a badass movie. But when I watched it, I think my expectations for it were too high cause everyone hyped it up for me. But still, it was a kickass movie. I wish I had that suit...

Anyways.... I'm drowning in phlegm. gah

snow

2008-12-19T16:52:00.003-05:00

well, there was a snow day today. i think it's the first time a snow day disappointed me. last night I made a CD full of music for Dr J, a totally awesome teacher. now she won't be able to listen to it during the holidays because she's leaving this weekend to Utah for family.

bottom line is: prepare for a deferral, which i did not do.

haiku: friend

2008-12-15T23:45:00.002-05:00

why hello, dear friend

i don't know what you don't know

let's go exploring

haiku: fly

2008-12-11T20:29:00.002-05:00

under the blanket

was a child trying to fly.

he fell, thumb in mouth.

apple pie

2008-12-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

I gave someone an apple pie today. I hope she enjoys it.

In other news, I think my early decision application to TCNJ might be moved to regular admission because I didn't send my Official SAT scores until recently. Bleh.

And the weather is horrible. We can't film. I wonder when my group is going to finish are short for Film Production class.

a short film about love haiku

2008-12-07T21:34:00.001-05:00

watching from the room

he saw magda spill the milk

she wept tears, he bled

uke!

2008-12-06T21:17:00.001-05:00

Hi, I've been busy all week.......playing a ukulele! Someone lent me his and he's not getting it back. I absofruitly love it! It's such an awesome instrument! It's super easy to learn because you can have small hands and still play every chord you need (unlike the guitar)! I've been playing these 2 songs over and over again:

Jacob Borshard - Grass Stains

Oh Foot - What is Love?

Check out both of Jacob Borshard and Oh Foot's music. Jacob writes and plays lovely music with his ukulele. He has all of his music free to download on his website! I've bought all three of his albums from him for $5 each and he personalizes each one! His lyrics are funny, sweet, and loving. As for Oh Foot, I don't listen to much of their music, but their 'What is Love' cover is just amazingly! I've never heard a cover this interesting and wayyyyyy better than the original rape-your-ear version.

Dancing

2008-12-01T21:37:00.000-05:00

I've been dancing in my room naked to this song. Not really my type of music but it is so fucking catchy. Awesome music video, too.

Piano

2008-11-28T21:32:00.000-05:00

Hello there. I shot a video today:

Interesting thing about the composer of this piece, Alexander Scriabin. He had synesthesia, which is "a condition wherein one experiences sensation in one sense in response to stimulus in another". Which means, in his case, music and color were very closely related. To him, each tone in music had a certain color to it. This picture shows what he thought each notes' color was. He actually invented an instrument called the clavier à lumières (color organ). When he played it, a color would be projected onto a screen. So yeah.... you learned something awesome today.

Also, I have another piano performance video posted more than an year ago:

One of Claude Debussy's famous pieces. I love Debussy. I might

re-record this sometime in the future.

And Thanksgiving....... this year my parents decided not to have a grand dinner with

family friends this year to save money. So basically I stayed at home till 4 and worked

at a restaurant till 8. Then my family and I watched King of California. Great movie, I

recommend it.